Readings
for Easter 1
April 23, 2006
The Rev. Robert Hansen
St. Jude the Apostle Episcopal Church, Cupertino,
CA
PRESS RELEASE FROM DIOCESAN OFFICE
It is requested that the following recent articles from the Monterey Paper
be read on the Sunday following Easter in order that any rumors and hints
of potential scandal be squelched. The “Lion” story should be
read first.
ESCAPED LION RECAPTURED
A lion escaped from its cage Thursday. The Alacarte Bros. Circus was making
its way up Highway 1 for an engagement in Seaside. The caravan of circus vehicles
made a rest stop in the Big Sur region. The circus was the proud owner of several
animals, including a very large, male, African lion. This particular lion,
because of its great, stately appearance, was actually fairly well known, having
appeared in several television commercials and other advertising spots. While
the circus was taking its travel break, so did the lion. It apparently walked
out of its unlocked cage and went for a sight-seeing stroll. After several
hours, it was located near a small beach in the Big Sur coast, peacefully sleeping.
We are told that the lion is extremely tame and has never so much as lifted
a paw in anger toward anyone. The lion was recovered without incident and the
circus continued on its way.
PRIEST ARRESTED ON BIG SUR BEACH!
Fr. Roger Orfley Jr. and his father, Roger Orfley Sr. are currently in Monterey
County jail after having been arrested on a small beach on the Big Sur coast
region. Fr. Roger says it is all a misunderstanding. He went on to explain
that he had recently graduated from the Episcopal Seminary and was about
to become an assistant at a local Episcopal Church. He is the son of Roger
Orfley Sr., a life long resident of the Monterey area. Orfley Sr. has been
known as the most successful commercial fisherman on the Bay. As Fr. Roger
tells it, Father Roger’s father, Roger Sr. requested that his son,
Fr. Roger Jr., accompany him, Fr. Roger’s father, on a fishing trip.
They made their way in the Orfley purse seiner, Angelica, south to a secluded
cove in the Big Sur region. (The vessel Angelica is the most modern, well
maintained boat of the Monterey fleet.)
Fr. Roger’s father, Roger, said to his son, Roger, once they had dropped
anchor, “I need to show you why our family has been the most successful
fishing business for generations. Do you see those porpoises over there?” There
were clearly visible several porpoises swimming near by. “As you know,
your great-great grandfather started the business. Somehow, no one knows for
sure, your great-great grandfather, got those porpoises to help him fish! They
would circle a school of fish into a tight mass right over the nets. He lifted
the net and there they were. He got a maximum catch every time. They have done
that for every member of our family who fishes. Those porpoises over there
will do the same for us, today. The thing is, those are the very same animals
that your great-great grandfather knew. Your grandfather said he thought they
were immortal. I don’t know about that but, they are very old. The strange
thing is, that great-great grandfather somehow got their ongoing help by gathering
a bunch of newly hatched sea gulls from the cliffs above the cove and bringing
them to the porpoises, who supplement their diet with them. The birds only
nest once a year and its that time now. I want you to help me gather them up
and bring them back to the porpoises.” Father Roger agreed to help his
father, Roger. So they made their way onto the beach, through a narrow defile
leading off the beach and up the cliffs where they gathered two large burlap
bags of newly hatched gulls. They made their way back down toward the beach------Oh,
now I see why I was supposed to read both articles.---- when, in the narrow
part, blocking their way, there was this huge lion who had chosen that spot
to take a nap. (Obviously it was the same lion that had escaped from the circus.)
They decided to take a chance that the lion wouldn’t wake up, so they
made a run for it, jumping over the lion and on down to the beach. They were
preparing to get into their skiff to return to the fishing boat, when they
observed several people coming their way. These people turned out to be the
police, who promptly arrested Fr. Roger and Fr. Roger’s father, Roger.
They are currently in the Monterey Jail.
Well, that’s too bad. Not a good start to a career. I’m not sure
why we needed to know that. I wonder why were they arrested? It doesn’t
seem to say. Oh, here’s another part of the article. Let’s see
now----Oh, I see, I think —Here’s why:
Well, it was for transporting young gulls across stately lions for immortal
porpoises. What else?!
BRIGHT SUNDAY
April 23, 2006
Fr. Bob Hansen
BRIGHT SUNDAY
Some of you may remember about six years ago, at this time, Father Stu Schlegel
told us of the tradition of “Bright Sunday,” the first Sunday
after Easter. On Bright Sunday, the sermon time is mostly jokes and trivia
and things to ease us from the intensity of the Resurrection celebrations
into the times that will culminate in the Pentecost celebration and beyond.
According to Fr. Schlegel, Easter Monday has been celebrated in many Greek
and Slavic countries as a day of joy and laughter, a time of great fun and
humor in honor of the resurrection of Christ. The custom is said to date back
to a sermon by the great turn-of-the-5th-century orator and Bishop of Constantinople,
John Chrysostom.
He called Easter a cosmic joke that God played on Satan, surprising him by
raising Jesus from the dead and the so-called “Bright Monday” tradition
developed to celebrate that joke on the day after Easter. People would tell
funny stories, play pranks and practical jokes, and just have a lot of good
laughs. Whatever its origin, it makes a lot of sense. The solemnity of Jesus’ passion
culminates with the tremendous joy of Easter, so why not carry that note of
joy on for a while with some good Christian playfulness?
Now, don’t throw things if you’ve heard some of these before. And keep in mind, I probably don’t remember any of them.
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requestsshelter
there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treatedto the best
fish and chips she's ever had.After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank
the chefs. She is met bytwo brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and
this is Brother Charles,""I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted
to thank you for a wonderfuldinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever
tasted. Out ofcuriosity, who cooked what?"Brother Charles replied, "Well,
I'm the fish
friar."She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"(are
you ready for this?)"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though
they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl
stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it wasimpossible. The little girl said, "When
I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"The teacher asked, "What if Jonah
went to
hell?”The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
On the first day of school, about mid morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A Thought For Christmas Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women Instead of Three Wise Men? They would have
asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts (disposable diapers)
and There would be Peace On Earth
(My wife made me include that).
Somebody once wrote,
Everything I need to know, I learned from the Noah's Ark story...One: Don't
miss the boat.Two: Remember that we are all in the same
boat.Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.Four: Stay
fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to dosomething really big.Five:
Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six:
Build your future on high ground.Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.Eight:
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with thecheetahs.Nine:
When you're stressed, float a while.Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs;
the Titanic by professionals.Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with
God, there's always a rainbowwaiting.
The following may not be equally appreciated everyone in this congregation:
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While they are waiting,they begin to wonder, "Could
they possibly get married in Heaven?" When St. Peter shows up, they
ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.The couple sits and waits
for an answer. It takes a couple of months. While they arewaiting, they discuss
whether or not they should get married, what with the eternal aspect of it
all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together
forever?"After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhatbedraggled. "Yes," he
informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."Great!" said
the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red faced, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asks the
frightened couple. "OH, C'MON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me
three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll
take me to find a lawyer?!"
Now, before I go too much farther, I must tell you that many of the stories
I tell you this morning were provided to me by members of this congregation
over the years. I have saved them for future uses and here is one of those
uses. For their own protection, I won’t name them.
Here’s one with a theological bent:
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from
his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.
To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year
later the young man returned home."Father, thank you for sending me to
the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening,
however I must confess that while in Israel I converted to
Christianity." "Oy vey," replied the father, "What have
I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend
and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come
to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he also
returned a
Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It
is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our
sons?" Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the
Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a Mighty Voice stated, "Amazing
that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."
Here are some involving children:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why
is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this
for moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" A little
girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying
not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she
was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy
says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give
him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people
to collect all the money!" An elderly woman died last month. Having never
married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions
for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while
I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. A police recruit
was asked during an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your
own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." A
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor your father
and your mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
After church on Sunday morning, a young girl suddenly announced to her mother, "Mom,
I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."That's okay with
us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the
girl replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway.A young boy
was kneeling by his bed and saying his prayers and asked Godto make him a good
boy. The boy's father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: "And
make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause
I'm having fun the way I am."
At Sunday School they were teaching from Genesis abut how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they read
the story of how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny,
what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my
side. I think I'm going to have a wife.
Now, I can relate to this one:
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?""Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?""Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Here’s a true story along the same lines:
My wife and I were visiting at the home of one of our daughters and her family.
At the time they had one child, a little girl, (a very pretty girl little says
I) just over three years old. We were just sitting around when my granddaughter
asked me how old I was. I said, ”Well, I am very old.” She sort
of pondered for a moment, then said, “I’m not. I’m new!”
Here’s my last story—honest!
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
open a package."What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered
- he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"The chicken clucked and scratched,
raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of noconsequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."The
mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house!
There ! Is a mousetrap in the house!"The pig sympathized, but said, "I
am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, butthere is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."The mouse turned to the cow and said "There
is a mousetrap in thehouse! There is a mousetrap in the house!"The cow
said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."So,
the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's
mousetrap alone.That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like thesound of a mousetrap catching its prey.The farmer's wife rushed to
see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer
rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone
knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet
to the farm yard for the soup's main ingredient!But his wife's sickness continued,
so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them,
the farmer butchered the pig.The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to
provide enough meat for all of them.The mouse looked upon it all from his
crack in the wall with great sadness.So, the next time you hear someone is
facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of
us is threatened, we are all at risk.We are all involved in this journey
called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort
to encourage one another.
(Insert as many of the supplemental items as seems appropriate)
Well, that’s enough for this Bright Sunday. I’m going to close
with Father Schlegel’s closing from a few years back.
“
Christopher Fry once said, ‘Comedy is an escape, not from truth but from
despair—a narrow escape into faith.’ So, let me leave you with
a post-Easter, post-resurrection, Bright Sunday wish for us all: May our faith
leave the despair of human life well behind us. May it put all our troubles
and all our vanities into proper perspective. And may it give us lives which
are not only rich, full and passionate—but lots and lots of fun.
Amen
How To Get To Heaven
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money
to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in
my Sunday school class.
"
NO!" the children all answered.
"
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat
and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"
Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and
loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.
Once more they all answered, "NO!" "Well," I continued,
thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given
them credit for,"Then how can I get into heaven?"
A five year old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR EPISCOPAL CLERGY
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.Bad News: You lost
two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The ECW voted to send you a get well card.Bad News: The vote passed
by 31 30.
Good News: The Vestry accepted your job description for your annual review
the way you wrote it.Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed
a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly
the same way you do.Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also
wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas
Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.Bad News: They beat
your men's softball team.
Good News: The vestry finally voted to add more church parking.Bad News: They
are going to blacktop the front lawn of the rectory.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.Bad News:
You were on vacation.
Good News: Your vestry wants to send you to the Holy Land.Bad News: They are
stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.Bad News: This person
has been appointed to head the diocesan personnel commission.
Who Jesus Really WasMy Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends 2. He could make his own wine 3.
He wasn't afraid of water My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus
was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3.
He couldn't get a fair trial.My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business. 2. He lived
at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother
was sure hewas God.My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus wasItalian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every
meal 3. He used olive oil.My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was aCalifornian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around
barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion.My Irish friend then
gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus wasIrish: 1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures.But my women
friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus was awoman: (My wife
made me say this!) 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was
no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men whojust
didn't get it.. 3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there
wasmore work to do.
| Updated 5/7/06 |
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