Readings
for Good Friday Year A:
Jn. 18:-19:37
March 25, 2005
The Rev. Karen Siegfriedt
St. Jude the Apostle Episcopal Church, Cupertino,
CA
I don't know how to begin to write it all down. These past two days have been a total nightmare. I don't think I have ever experienced such darkness. I am a haunted man. My mind has gotten away from me. Over and over again, his words possess my mind: "Peter, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times." When I first heard these words, I was shocked. I protested. I defended myself. Of course I wouldn't deny my friend and teacher. I was the first one who saw the divine light in him and declared him as the messiah- the anointed one sent from God. I was in the inner circle. Along with James and John, Jesus always selected me to witness extraordinary healings and events. I was the one who got out of the boat and walked toward him on the water while the other disciples sat there in total fear. Well, I guess I lost my nerve (or rather my faith) in the end but at least I tried. But I am here now. I did agree to go with the others to Jerusalem to die with him. I didn't know it would be this hard.
"Peter, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times." These words cycle over and over again in my mind. I am obsessed. And every time I hear that voice in my mind, I can't breath. I cry. I am in total despair. How could I have done it? How could I have denied him- not once, but three times? Why? Why me?
A few hours earlier, before all this began, we ate a meal together. He washed my feet. He was so tender; filled with love. He spoke about servanthood and love. No, he just didn't speak about it; he showed us what it meant to love. He said: "I give you a new commandment that you love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another…No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."[Jn. 13&15] Of course after I heard these words, I said: "I will lay down my life for you." But Jesus looked at me with a tender gaze and said: "Peter, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times."
How can I go on? I am a coward. When we were in the garden surrounded by the Roman soldiers and temple police, Jesus wasn't concerned about his own well-being. No, he was concerned about us. He told the soldiers to let us go. They didn't hurt us because Jesus went without a fuss. "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." I just couldn't do it. I was afraid. I was afraid that they would arrest me, put me on trial, and then who knows what would have happened to me. I have a family to support. I have a thriving fishing business. I am still young. I am in my prime. What would have happen to my wife and mother-in-law if I had spoken the truth? Besides, what good would it have been for the two of us to die?
Who am I kidding? I was put on trial. Three times, I was asked: "Aren't you one of his disciples?" Three times I said, NO! Then the cock crowed and all that he had predicted came true. There it goes again: "Peter, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times."
I am so afraid. I don't know what to do. Who wouldn't be afraid at times like these? Those Romans are a bunch of animals. They don't care about us. All they want is our money and land. They will do whatever they need to do to get their money and to keep order. Money, power, order. That is all they care about. They don't think about the plight of the poor. They don't know what it feels like to be oppressed. They don't think about changing the world so that all people can live in peace and dignity. No, all they think about is money, power, and order. And they will beat and kill anyone to accomplish those goals. Beat and kill. Beat, and kill. That's what they did to him. Beat, and kill. It was so bloody. So disgusting. They slapped him, spit on him, mocked him. They hammered a crown of thorns on his head and beat him. But that wasn't enough. No. All they think about is money, power, order, beat, kill, beat, kill.
When the crowd shouted "crucify him, crucify him," no one thought about justice or whether he was innocent. It is all about money, power, and order. So, they crucified him with a couple of criminals. Imagine, the "Light of the World"- snuffed out along side of a couple of criminals. Have you ever seen a crucifixion? It is the most painful way to go. A person slowly suffocates while suffering in total agony. Three hours of total agony. At least he died before they were ready to break his legs.
"Peter, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times." Stop, stop, stop! My mind is going crazy. I can't take the pain. What pain? He is the one who suffered the pain. And in the midst of his pain, hanging on the cross, he was making arrangements for his mother to be taken care of. "I give you a new commandment that you love one another." How can I possibly love in the midst of such hatred, darkness, confusion, and fear? I am so afraid. I was so afraid that they would come after me and that I would lose everything. I was so afraid that they would hurt me and my family. "It is finished." That is what he said as he breathed his last breath. "It is finished."
"No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."
No, it is not finished; at least not for me! I can't give up no matter how bad I feel about what I did. Didn't Jesus say to forgive 70x7? If I can forgive, then perhaps even I can be forgiven. God's mercy is always greater than God's justice. Nothing that we can ever do or say can keep God from loving us. Forgiveness is to begin over again. Courage is fear that has said it prayers. That is what I will do. I will pray. I will ask for forgiveness. I will open myself up to God's grace. I know that I can't do it on my own; that's clear. No, it is not finished. As long I breathe, I will continue to spread his message of love, peace, inclusivity, mercy, justice, and dignity. As long as there is ignorance in the world, it is not finished. I will speak the truth. As long as there is poverty and suffering in the world, it is not finished. I will reach out and give of myself to the marginalized. As long as there is misuse of power in the world, it is not finished. I will stand up to power with prophetic words even if it means total sacrifice. For, "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain. But if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life." [Jn. 12:24]
I don't have time to write this all down. Maybe John or Mark or someone else will write it down. I have too much work to do. "The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few." "I give you a new commandment that you love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another…No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."
| Updated 3/25/05 |
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