Reading for Proper 16B:
Ephesians 5:21-33
August 24, 2003
The Rev. Karen Siegfriedt
St. Jude the Apostle Episcopal Church, Cupertino,
CA
About five years ago (when I first came to St. Jude's), I was invited to attend a "Pastors' Breakfast" where ministers throughout the Bay Area were invited to come together and hear a top-notch expert speak on marriage. Having never been married myself, I thought this was a great idea and signed up to hear about the latest theology of marriage. The other ministers at the breakfast were friendly. The food was excellent. The hotel was plush. However, the talk was dreadful. The speaker tried to use the Bible to support stereotypic-1950's marriage values. It was a bad idea! Our 20th-21st century concepts of marriage are so foreign to the authors of the biblical text that is only through bad proof-texting that one can even make a weak case. Today I am going to talk about the institution of marriage and the blessing of committed relationships. I will use today's reading from the book of Ephesians as my text.
In ancient Israel and during the time of Jesus, marriages were arranged. Women were viewed as property and had no choice in selecting their mate. Most of time, the men did not either. Marriages were arranged by the patriarch of the household. These marriages were similar to business deals where each family hoped that the marriage would enhance their own power-relationships within the tribe and financially benefit the family.
While the speaker at that breakfast quoted many biblical passages to make his point, he left out some important details. He failed to mention that Abraham, the great patriarch of our tradition, had sex with his wife's maid in order to have an heir. But once his wife got pregnant and had a child of her own, he forced the maid and their son out into the desert. This is not a very encouraging biblical example for married couples today! In order to save his life which was threatened by the Egyptians and again from King Abimelech, Abraham allowed his wife to be raped by Pharaoh and the King. In Hebrew culture, adultery was a property offense, not a moral one. We all know the stories about King David and his son, Solomon, who had many wives and many concubines.
The speaker never mentioned that Jesus remained single, did not have a biological father, or that his parents were not married at the time of his conception. Jesus never encouraged marriage although he did defend the covenant of marriage as being permanent. Jesus did however encouraged several men to leave their families and follow him. St. Paul actually discouraged marriage and recommended marriage only if one's lust was about to get out of hand. None of these biblical tales support 1950's traditional marriage values.
In the early years of the Christian Church, celibacy and virginity were valued higher than the state of marriage. Procreation was looked upon as the sole purpose of marriage. Marriage was not made a sacrament until the 13th century. For most of history, marriage was a practical matter, driven by property and population concerns. Emotional and sexual aspects of the marriage were secondary (at best).
But today, marriage has taken on a new role. People want to be in a life-long, committed relationship in order to further their own psychological and emotional growth. This is reflected in our own Prayer Book of 1979 which says that marriage "is intended by God for mutual joy, for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and when it is God's will, for the procreation of children."[BCP 423] This is a significant change in the Church's theology of marriage from the 1662 Prayer Book which says: Marriage is ordained "for the procreation of children...for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication...and for the mutual society, help, and comfort that that one ought to have of the other."
Since the time of the 17th century, the Church has definitely become more "open" as its theology has changed. It has sanctioned the marriage of divorced people, inter-racial couples, infertile men, postmenopausal women, and those fertile couples who have no intention of ever having children. It is into this context of inclusivity that the church is now struggling with the issue of blessing same-sex couples. The real question is this: Who among us deserves to have God's blessing for the purpose of mutual joy and for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity? The Church is not of one mind on this subject. However, this recent hot-button issue has forced the Episcopal Church of the 21st century to take a new look at the theology of marriage and to determine what kind of relationships are worthy to be blessed.
Three years ago at the National Convention, the Church was not ready to change its national canons, dictating the blessing of same sex couples. It continues to leave that decision up to the bishop of each diocese. However, the convention did pass a resolution describing the qualities of a relationship that it deemed worthy of the Church's blessing. This is what the Episcopal Church decided: "Life-long committed relationships are to be characterized by fidelity, monogamy, mutual affection and respect, careful, honest communication, and the holy love which enable those is such relationships to see in each other, the image of God." These are the marching orders for all marriages and for all life-long committed relationships that are blessed by the Church.
The bad news is that for the last 30 years, the divorce rate has been 50% for 1st marriages and 60% for 2nd marriages. Many young women have become pessimistic about the likelihood of finding a suitable mate who will last a lifetime. Our culture has been described as a low-commitment culture of "sex without strings and relationships without rings." Many people who enter a relationship, expect that their partner will satisfy all unmet childhood needs, complement them where they are lacking, and be eternally available to them. These couples are often very disappointed. How can we, in this fragile environment, maintain life-long committed relationships that are characterized by "fidelity, monogamy, mutual affection and respect, careful, honest communication, and the holy love which enable those in such relationships to see in each other, the image of God"? Here is where the reading from Ephesians can be helpful.
But in order to understand today's reading, we first must understand that the underlying purpose of the Letter to the Ephesians is UNITY: Unity in the Church, unity between members of a community, unity between marriage partners, unity within the family. True unity can only begin when our mind, body, heart, and soul, are oriented to God in Christ. This orientation towards God helps us realize that our own, narcissistic ego, insatiable desires, and unmet childhood needs are not at the center of the universe. God is! Once we are willing to subject our mind, body, heart, and soul to God, then we can turn to today's text to gain some insight into ordering our every-day, concrete relationships with one another. Today's reading focuses on unifying the relationship between a husband and wife.
Our text begins with the exhortation: "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." This means that each partner in the relationship is to respect and to be receptive to instruction and encouragement from each other; a posture of humility rather than clashing egos. From this place of mutual subjection, the author then tells the wife to be sensitive to the power needs of her husband by respecting and obeying him. He then admonishes the husband to be sensitive to the emotional needs of his wife. He is to love, nourish, and cherish his wife with his own life.
These were very, radical insights in the 1st century, advancing the status of women from being view as a piece of property to a person being worthy of receiving a self-sacrificing and holy love. These radical insights challenged all Christian married men to love their wives as their own bodies. Since that time (some 1900 years ago), we have come to realize that both men and women have issues of power and the emotional need to be loved. And so the Church has expanded this exhortation, encouraging both husband and wife to treat each other with mutual affection and respect, and the holy love which allows them to see the image of God in each other.
Overtime, with the challenges of every day life, the heart can move in one of two directions. The heart can shrink from fear, disappointment, criticism, and hurt. Or it can enlarge through respect, compassion, and forgiveness. Here is what I typically advise in keeping the heart open for those who are committing themselves to a life-long relationship.
It is an honor to be the rector of this congregation where there are so many long-term marriages that are characterized by fidelity, monogamy, mutual affection and respect, careful, honest communication, and a holy love. I know many of your stories and how you have struggled through many difficult times. But in spite of your disappointments, you have remained faithful to your vows. May God continue to bless you that you may so "love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that your home may be a haven of blessing and peace." [BCP 431]
| Updated 8/23/03 |
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